I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
