You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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