he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
