it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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