I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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