I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
