My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
