did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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