i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
