If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I AM VODKA MAN
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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