I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
