She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I understand Curling. That high.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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