Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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