my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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