Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
