Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
