hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
