And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is wine microwaveable?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
