just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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