oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
