I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
bring money and cleavage
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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