Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
