Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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