your parents love me but you hate me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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