WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
