just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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