you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
