I met the friendliest cop last night
well you can't waste a boner
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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