Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
