yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
