So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
