Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
