When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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