i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
