I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
