apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
