Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
