Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
