You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
