I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
