she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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