i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
