Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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