May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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