theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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