Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
