Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
