I puked a lego.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
