Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
