just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
