so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
