come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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