Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thus making me awesome and them whores
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
