Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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