My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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