When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
